He is such a goofball!
I figured I needed to start this post out with a goofy picture. I feel the need to dump some heavy emotions on here right now and wanted to try to lighten things before I did that. You have been warned...
Where am I at right now? To the outside world, I seem to be fairly 'even' emotionally. At least I think it seems that way to the world. I think. Inside, there are battles raging that I cannot begin to understand or stop. I continue to be so angry. I am tired of being angry. Medicine has helped with the outward anger/irritation. But, I can't seem to crack the inner feelings of anger. It can be consuming at times. I am angry at him for leaving me. I am angry at God for taking him from me, from Ian, from all of you. I am angry that he can't complete all the things that were left undone. I am angry that we can't do the things that he and I wanted to do or take Ian to the places we wanted to take him. Yes, I know I can do those things myself, but I don't want to do them by myself. Damn it, I want him here to do all those things.
I went to church today and Pastor had a great sermon about feeling God has forsaken you. I know that until you walk in my shoes, you can't really understand how I can feel that way. But I do feel that way. I know that I am being carried rather than having God walk beside me right now, but that doesn't make the pain go away. I am angry at God. There I said it! I am and I am bothered by that feeling. I talked to our Pastor about it and I know that it's okay to feel that way, but I just doesn't seem right either.
I feel so cheated. I want to be able to call him and discuss nothing important, just hear his voice. I need the one person in the world who knew me probably better than I know myself. He was the one person who could see through my crap and through my insecurities. He could pull me back to earth or out of hell when I went too far or when someone upset me too much. He could fight with me over something stupid and, yet make up with me when he probably felt he didn't really want to. The pain of the loss of the one person in the world who really 'gets' you, is unbearable at times.
I am so frustrated that there always seems to be a roadblock. Everything I try to complete to deal with the paperwork mess created by this, seems to have a roadblock thrown up. I am tired of fighting with everything. I can't make forward progress because of the roadblocks. Can't they understand that I am having trouble even making myself move let alone in a forward direction? It takes so much energy just to get out of bed everyday, that sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it. And, after I spend all that energy, I have to face the world and try to get things done.
I am frustrated by my inability to be present in the world. I can't seem to respond to people. I am having a hard time replying to emails, returning phone calls, etc. So, if you have tried to contact me and I haven't called/emailed you back, keep trying until you get me. I do need all of you right now, I just can't seem to take the step to reach out for that. Sorry.
