There is no way to put this without sounding flip. So here it is: I am not the same person I was 4 months ago. Duh! I will never be that person again. I liked that person a lot better than I like this one. Damn it, I had just learned how to like that person! I was just feeling comfortable in my own skin for probably the first time in my life. And it was all taken away from me in the blink of an eye. I had no say in it. And it pisses me off! It's my life, why didn't I get a say in it?!?!
I can't function on a normal level. I am avoiding dealing with so many things. Worrying about all the things I have to deal with is keeping me up at night. Yet, I can't seem to focus on getting them checked off the list. I spent all my energy keeping life together through Christmas and now I can't make myself do anything. I am so frustrated.
I created this blog so that I could post pictures and a journal from China. Since we have returned from that life changing trip, I decided to continue the blog so everyone can follow along with my pregnancy, the birth of my son and his growth. This is my journal for him.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
A Kite
Every morning, Ian and I have the same routine. He wakes up, crawls in bed with me and we snuggle. Every morning we have the exact same conversation:
Me: Good morning!
Ian: Mornin' Mommy.
Me: Did you have good sleepytime?
Ian: Yes, but I need to snuggle with you.
Me: Ok.
This morning, after crawling in bed to snuggle, he asked me if he could have his kite. I said, of course he could, but we would need to wait until it got warmer to play with it outside. He said, "Ok, but not too long because I need to fly it up to heaven to bring my Daddy back."
Me: Good morning!
Ian: Mornin' Mommy.
Me: Did you have good sleepytime?
Ian: Yes, but I need to snuggle with you.
Me: Ok.
This morning, after crawling in bed to snuggle, he asked me if he could have his kite. I said, of course he could, but we would need to wait until it got warmer to play with it outside. He said, "Ok, but not too long because I need to fly it up to heaven to bring my Daddy back."
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Epic Meltdown
Thursday started out like any other day. I wasn't in a great mood, but not at my lowest either. I took Ian to school, picked up Sam and Kieren and took them back to Ian's school. We presented a program about Chinese New Year for his class. It went really well and we all had a good time. Sam, Kieren and I had lunch together and I came home. I straightened up the house a bit until Alex got home. After picking Ian up from school, I decided that I needed to take a look at the ice on the roof. Why did I think the ice needed to be looked at? Well, I could see in several places where the melting ice water was running back toward the house and the attic! So it's only a matter of time before I have leaks and drywall that will need to be patched.
Once on the roof, I started shoveling the snow/ice off. I then realized that the ice was about 6"-8" deep on the gutters. There was no way it was coming off with a mere shovel. Alex handed me the hammer and I started pounding on the ice. The more I pounded, the more upset I got. I started crying, hair blowing and sticking to my face, while cursing at the world, life, Mark, the house, the ice, etc. You name, I cursed at it. Not only that I think I made up a few new curse words while I was there! Once I got about 20 feet of ice knocked off, I sat down in the snow drift on the roof and had a really hard cry. I am sure that my neighbors are now considering whether they should have me committed! Talk about an epic meltdown. And, of course, it had to happen outside where everyone could see!
I finally crawled off the roof and into the house. I asked Alex to watch Ian for about 20 minutes so that I could pull myself together. I went into my room, changed my clothes and crawled into my bed. I immediately fell asleep for 20 minutes. I wasn't physically exhausted, but I was totally emotionally spent. While the whole thing took a major toll on me, I felt better afterward. Feeling better afterward was odd to me. But, I guess I was able to physically release some of the pain that I have tried so hard to hold in. Did it solve anything? Nope, but I sure beat the hell out of that ice!
Once on the roof, I started shoveling the snow/ice off. I then realized that the ice was about 6"-8" deep on the gutters. There was no way it was coming off with a mere shovel. Alex handed me the hammer and I started pounding on the ice. The more I pounded, the more upset I got. I started crying, hair blowing and sticking to my face, while cursing at the world, life, Mark, the house, the ice, etc. You name, I cursed at it. Not only that I think I made up a few new curse words while I was there! Once I got about 20 feet of ice knocked off, I sat down in the snow drift on the roof and had a really hard cry. I am sure that my neighbors are now considering whether they should have me committed! Talk about an epic meltdown. And, of course, it had to happen outside where everyone could see!
I finally crawled off the roof and into the house. I asked Alex to watch Ian for about 20 minutes so that I could pull myself together. I went into my room, changed my clothes and crawled into my bed. I immediately fell asleep for 20 minutes. I wasn't physically exhausted, but I was totally emotionally spent. While the whole thing took a major toll on me, I felt better afterward. Feeling better afterward was odd to me. But, I guess I was able to physically release some of the pain that I have tried so hard to hold in. Did it solve anything? Nope, but I sure beat the hell out of that ice!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
A Few Ian-isms
Let me first start by telling you that Ian is sick (thought it was the flu, but I think it's just a bad cold) which has made life interesting around here to say the very least! I have been repeatedly told "I'm cranky", "I don't feel good", and "Don't touch me" which is followed by "Hold me"! And of course, all of those were delivered with the biggest whiny voice he could muster. I actually went to work today so that I didn't hurt someone. Poor Alex has not been able to do anything right for him for the last 3 days, but Ian wants him around at all times.
Beth and I discussed where Ian gets his personality from this evening with regard to being sick. When I am sick, I want to be left alone. I get very cranky but instead of telling others, I just try to stay away from everyone. Mark on the other hand wanted to be around others who could give him sympathy and he let the world know it. So clearly the apple did not fall far from the tree! In fact, I think it landed right at the bottom of the tree trunk and didn't roll at all.
Now for a few Ian-isms:
1) He wants to go to the "Theodore". Translation: Theater He wants to see the Princess/Frog movie that is out right now. Why does he want to see it? Because the Princess turns into a frog!
2) "I can't know how!" Translation: I don't know how to do this. I am not sure where he picked this particular phrase up, but it cracks me up.
3) "I'm drinky!" Translation: I am thirsty. Again, I have no idea, but it's funny. I correct him each time and yet, he just won't say thirsty.
4) "They are gonna freeze their ducky buns!" No translation needed. Just funny!
5) "I love you to the 'university' and back!" Of course, this is his take on the I love you to the moon and back. Clearly the university is much farther!
6) Pop-sis-cal, bi-sis-cal and ice-sis-cal. Say them out loud and think about it: popcicle, bicycle and icicle! He has said them so many times that now I am having trouble saying them properly!
7) "Where is my thword and thingy?" Translation: Where is my sword and the hook?" He is fascinated with Peter Pan right now. I can't tell you how many times we have watched the movie. I am blocking it out! I have declared that Peter Pan will not be seen in this house for at least the next 3 days. He has a plastic sword and hook from his Potato Head toy that he carries around to play Peter Pan.
WARNING: Story about poop to follow! You have been warned....
I have to pay attention to his pooping habits. He is not regular. He never has been. If he doesn't go at least every other day, we have problems. I really think he gets busy doing stuff and doesn't want to be bothered to go sit on the toilet. And, admittedly I have not been paying the best attention lately. (I have a lot on my mind and plate!) So, last week he got to the third day with no poop. I knew he had to go because he didn't want to eat at all. But, he just didn't want to have anything to do with it. I even told him he could play in the snow if he went and it didn't work! So, I resorted to a suppository. But, we were supposed to got to Amy and Jason's for dinner approximately 30 minutes after we had our exchange about pooping. So, off he went across the street carrying his potty seat on his arm! I was about 20 feet behind him, so he got in the door first. He didn't say 'Hi", he just announced that "Mommy put medicine in his bum!" Hilarious! (FYI: He went to the bathroom about 5 minutes later!) He then had to carry his potty seat back across the street. He, of course, put it on his head like a hat! Gross! Serious GROSS! I sanitized it and bathed him as soon as we got home!
Beth and I discussed where Ian gets his personality from this evening with regard to being sick. When I am sick, I want to be left alone. I get very cranky but instead of telling others, I just try to stay away from everyone. Mark on the other hand wanted to be around others who could give him sympathy and he let the world know it. So clearly the apple did not fall far from the tree! In fact, I think it landed right at the bottom of the tree trunk and didn't roll at all.
Now for a few Ian-isms:
1) He wants to go to the "Theodore". Translation: Theater He wants to see the Princess/Frog movie that is out right now. Why does he want to see it? Because the Princess turns into a frog!
2) "I can't know how!" Translation: I don't know how to do this. I am not sure where he picked this particular phrase up, but it cracks me up.
3) "I'm drinky!" Translation: I am thirsty. Again, I have no idea, but it's funny. I correct him each time and yet, he just won't say thirsty.
4) "They are gonna freeze their ducky buns!" No translation needed. Just funny!
5) "I love you to the 'university' and back!" Of course, this is his take on the I love you to the moon and back. Clearly the university is much farther!
6) Pop-sis-cal, bi-sis-cal and ice-sis-cal. Say them out loud and think about it: popcicle, bicycle and icicle! He has said them so many times that now I am having trouble saying them properly!
7) "Where is my thword and thingy?" Translation: Where is my sword and the hook?" He is fascinated with Peter Pan right now. I can't tell you how many times we have watched the movie. I am blocking it out! I have declared that Peter Pan will not be seen in this house for at least the next 3 days. He has a plastic sword and hook from his Potato Head toy that he carries around to play Peter Pan.
WARNING: Story about poop to follow! You have been warned....
I have to pay attention to his pooping habits. He is not regular. He never has been. If he doesn't go at least every other day, we have problems. I really think he gets busy doing stuff and doesn't want to be bothered to go sit on the toilet. And, admittedly I have not been paying the best attention lately. (I have a lot on my mind and plate!) So, last week he got to the third day with no poop. I knew he had to go because he didn't want to eat at all. But, he just didn't want to have anything to do with it. I even told him he could play in the snow if he went and it didn't work! So, I resorted to a suppository. But, we were supposed to got to Amy and Jason's for dinner approximately 30 minutes after we had our exchange about pooping. So, off he went across the street carrying his potty seat on his arm! I was about 20 feet behind him, so he got in the door first. He didn't say 'Hi", he just announced that "Mommy put medicine in his bum!" Hilarious! (FYI: He went to the bathroom about 5 minutes later!) He then had to carry his potty seat back across the street. He, of course, put it on his head like a hat! Gross! Serious GROSS! I sanitized it and bathed him as soon as we got home!