My mom with her two favorite people in the whole world.
Today would have been her birthday.
Happy Birthday Mom.
I love you.
I mis you.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Mom...
My mom with her two favorite people in the whole world.
Today would have been her birthday.
Happy Birthday Mom.
I love you.
I mis you.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
A Picture Speaks More Than Words
Ian and I had an appointment with my counselor this afternoon. I can't begin to tell you how wonderful Cristie is! My mom found her for me through a mutual friend. The friend had lost a parent, had the help of Hospice and Cristie was the bereavement coordinator. She raved about Cristie so Mom started talking to her. Then, Mom hooked me up with her. Cristie started her career doing art therapy with children. As I am sure you can tell from this blog, Ian and I have had some issues. Over the last several months, Cristie has talked to me while Ian was around. So, he had the chance to get comfortable with her. Based on the troubles around her last week, I asked Cristie to meet with him to see if she could help in any way. It was very interesting to say the least.
She started out by asking him to make faces to show his different feelings. Then she asked him to give her a color associated with those faces/feelings. Then she let him paint with watercolors to show the feelings/faces he assigned to the colors. So blue is sad, red is angry, green is excited, yellow is aggressive (his choice of faces from a page of emotions) and black is his perception of my feelings. Being told by your 4 year old that he reads your feelings as black was hard. As you can see he painted about half the page blue. He gave the red a pretty good portion of the paper too. (He painted some of the red over the blue.) The green/excitement is because of an upcoming visit to the beach, according to him. The yellow apparently is a reaction to the anger.
Then we worked on a feelings box. He got to decorate the box and can put in whatever he wants to show his feelings. The box will stay in his room and be his own 'treasure chest' for as long as he needs it. So far the only thing mentioned for the box has been a picture of Mark.
Now for the tough part: During this art time, he opened up a little bit about how he feels. He is 4 and can't put into words all these things. Further, he doesn't understand a lot of it, so that makes it even harder. He keeps talking about going to heaven to bring Daddy home. He talks about going to heaven to see Daddy, Whiskey and Grandma. He is apparently getting the point that once you are in heaven, you can't come back. Because he worries about going there and not being able to come back. He, obviously, worries that I will leave him, that I will go to heaven, and that I will not be able to come back.
The hardest for me to hear today was that he is mad at Daddy for lying to him. I asked how he felt Daddy lied to him. He said Daddy told him he would come home and fly this one particular airplane with him. We explained that Daddy had no control over not coming home and that he certainly would have come home if he could. And, just because Daddy told him that didn't mean he was telling a lie because he had no control. He told us he is mad at God. We told him that was okay and that Mommy is mad at God too.
How do I try to cope with all this? I continue to encourage him to talk to God, to tell God how he feels, etc. I sometimes feel like a broken record when I explain that Daddy/Whiskey/Grandma can't come home but that they would have liked nothing better than to have been here with us. You can't imagine how hard it is to keep going over it with him. He knows what upsets me, and because he is 4 and trying to find his boundaries, he uses it. I have to remember that all children use various techniques to get what they want, and that it's not a malicious thing on his part. It just happens to be harder because of the situation, but that's not what Ian is thinking.
Today's session was hard, but I think it helped. I think Ian was finally able to put into words some of what he is feeling. I am certainly in a better place, because I now understand some of his actions/feelings, etc. It is very difficult to step back from myself and see that he is not doing things to be mean, he is just trying to understand something I don't even understand. He has lost so much, some by the choice of others and some not. There are people that walk this earth, that won't experience his level of loss, until they are much older, if ever. It's not easy for me, and I can only imagine what he goes through. Which sounds funny, because I am living it too. But at least I can, at times, put words to the emotions.
She started out by asking him to make faces to show his different feelings. Then she asked him to give her a color associated with those faces/feelings. Then she let him paint with watercolors to show the feelings/faces he assigned to the colors. So blue is sad, red is angry, green is excited, yellow is aggressive (his choice of faces from a page of emotions) and black is his perception of my feelings. Being told by your 4 year old that he reads your feelings as black was hard. As you can see he painted about half the page blue. He gave the red a pretty good portion of the paper too. (He painted some of the red over the blue.) The green/excitement is because of an upcoming visit to the beach, according to him. The yellow apparently is a reaction to the anger.
Then we worked on a feelings box. He got to decorate the box and can put in whatever he wants to show his feelings. The box will stay in his room and be his own 'treasure chest' for as long as he needs it. So far the only thing mentioned for the box has been a picture of Mark.
Now for the tough part: During this art time, he opened up a little bit about how he feels. He is 4 and can't put into words all these things. Further, he doesn't understand a lot of it, so that makes it even harder. He keeps talking about going to heaven to bring Daddy home. He talks about going to heaven to see Daddy, Whiskey and Grandma. He is apparently getting the point that once you are in heaven, you can't come back. Because he worries about going there and not being able to come back. He, obviously, worries that I will leave him, that I will go to heaven, and that I will not be able to come back.
The hardest for me to hear today was that he is mad at Daddy for lying to him. I asked how he felt Daddy lied to him. He said Daddy told him he would come home and fly this one particular airplane with him. We explained that Daddy had no control over not coming home and that he certainly would have come home if he could. And, just because Daddy told him that didn't mean he was telling a lie because he had no control. He told us he is mad at God. We told him that was okay and that Mommy is mad at God too.
How do I try to cope with all this? I continue to encourage him to talk to God, to tell God how he feels, etc. I sometimes feel like a broken record when I explain that Daddy/Whiskey/Grandma can't come home but that they would have liked nothing better than to have been here with us. You can't imagine how hard it is to keep going over it with him. He knows what upsets me, and because he is 4 and trying to find his boundaries, he uses it. I have to remember that all children use various techniques to get what they want, and that it's not a malicious thing on his part. It just happens to be harder because of the situation, but that's not what Ian is thinking.
Today's session was hard, but I think it helped. I think Ian was finally able to put into words some of what he is feeling. I am certainly in a better place, because I now understand some of his actions/feelings, etc. It is very difficult to step back from myself and see that he is not doing things to be mean, he is just trying to understand something I don't even understand. He has lost so much, some by the choice of others and some not. There are people that walk this earth, that won't experience his level of loss, until they are much older, if ever. It's not easy for me, and I can only imagine what he goes through. Which sounds funny, because I am living it too. But at least I can, at times, put words to the emotions.
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
A Really Bad Day
So many things to write about, yet no ability! I am so frustrated. I want so badly to write out how I feel, but I can't for some reason. I have always been able to express myself this way. I have always been able to write. But now when I need it the most, I can't. So, I am going to just type whatever comes into my brain. In other words, stop reading and go back to your normal lives.
I am having a horrible day. Ian has pushed my buttons for the last 2 mornings. He has pushed me to a yelling meltdown. I can't do this anymore. I am feeling very unloved and unwanted today. And, he just seems to want to make it worse! I hate getting so upset that I am yelling at him. But my emotions are so raw right now, I just couldn't help it. And that totally frustrates me too! I have lost so much in the last year, now I feel that like I am losing my sanity.
I feel like some of the people around me are not supportive. But they expect me to help and support them when they need it. Why can't anyone understand that I can barely function as a person right now?!?!? I can't help myself most days, let alone others. So at what point, do you pull away and say I am done. I feel like a cold chill goes over when I call or stop by sometimes. I realize that everyone else has a life, but I am so lonely. And feel like my life has been pulled out from under me. Some of the people that I was sure would be there for me, can't be bothered. They are more interested in themselves and their lives. I know that people don't know what to say to me. Hell, I don't know what to say to me most days either! And I know that some pull away because of that. I feel that some pull away because they just don't want to deal with me or they don't want to take the chance that my shit storm of a life will somehow rub off on them. It's not contagious people, at least I hope it's not!
I have done nothing but cry this morning. I had errands to run. Which is great fun when you can't hold yourself together. I am sure the guy at L0wes thinks I am crazy! I know that Kristy at the water department felt bad and I could do nothing to stop it. The lady at the bank remembered me from the day I had to change all of my accounts because they froze them when Mark died. She gave me a hug which helped but turned the tear flow back on.
My brain is in chaos. My house is in chaos. My life is in chaos. And, I don't have a clue how to get it all back under control.
I am having a horrible day. Ian has pushed my buttons for the last 2 mornings. He has pushed me to a yelling meltdown. I can't do this anymore. I am feeling very unloved and unwanted today. And, he just seems to want to make it worse! I hate getting so upset that I am yelling at him. But my emotions are so raw right now, I just couldn't help it. And that totally frustrates me too! I have lost so much in the last year, now I feel that like I am losing my sanity.
I feel like some of the people around me are not supportive. But they expect me to help and support them when they need it. Why can't anyone understand that I can barely function as a person right now?!?!? I can't help myself most days, let alone others. So at what point, do you pull away and say I am done. I feel like a cold chill goes over when I call or stop by sometimes. I realize that everyone else has a life, but I am so lonely. And feel like my life has been pulled out from under me. Some of the people that I was sure would be there for me, can't be bothered. They are more interested in themselves and their lives. I know that people don't know what to say to me. Hell, I don't know what to say to me most days either! And I know that some pull away because of that. I feel that some pull away because they just don't want to deal with me or they don't want to take the chance that my shit storm of a life will somehow rub off on them. It's not contagious people, at least I hope it's not!
I have done nothing but cry this morning. I had errands to run. Which is great fun when you can't hold yourself together. I am sure the guy at L0wes thinks I am crazy! I know that Kristy at the water department felt bad and I could do nothing to stop it. The lady at the bank remembered me from the day I had to change all of my accounts because they froze them when Mark died. She gave me a hug which helped but turned the tear flow back on.
My brain is in chaos. My house is in chaos. My life is in chaos. And, I don't have a clue how to get it all back under control.