Happy 16th Birthday Alex!

Telling Santa what he wanted this past Christmas.
(I warned you that I was going to post this picture!)


After driving the boat in Hilton Head last summer.

Alex, I can hardly believe that you are 16 today! It seems like just last week, you were Ian's age. How does time go by that fast!?!?!

I want you to know that I am very proud of you. You made some big decisions this week that will greatly influence the rest of your life. I know that you are going to follow the right path, because you are listening to what your heart tells you. This past year has been a year of extreme growth for you. I know it has been hard, but you have hopefully learned from your mistakes as well as your triumphs. While you have always been able to see the good in people, you are beginning to understand that you have to accept people as they are. Please remember that you are only able to change yourself, not others. Also, remember that you are not responsible for what others do. As long as you are true to yourself, you will grow. Please continue to embrace life, hold your memories close to your heart and don't worry about the things you have no control over in this life. You are a kind, considerate gentleman. I am excited to see where life takes you.

Happy 16th Birthday!
Love always, Aunt Heather

What Would You Ask?

A blog that I read recently posted a question to all of her readers. She wanted to know: If you had the time to ask the person you lost a few questions, what would you ask? I had to very different reactions to this questions which honestly surprised me!

Reaction 1: Let me make a list! The situation I find myself in is like swimming in a pool of jello. It's a sea of goo which doesn't seem to allow for decisions. The same decisions that I would have no problem making prior to Mark's death, now seem impossible. You can't even imagine how frustrating that is! When I do make a decision, I question whether I did the right thing for a very long period of time. I am not saying that I was always the most decisive person, but now it seems I can't decide on anything. So, the questions I would ask all revolve around what I should do in certain situations. For instance: I would love some direction about Ian's schooling. What should I do about trading/selling his truck? What would he like for me to do with his shop equipment, the airplane manuals, his golf equipment, etc.? Life progresses around me, but I seem to merely exist day to day. I don't know how to inspire myself to change that. Mark would know.

Reaction 2: I wouldn't ask him anything. I would tell him some things. Now, for those of you that know me and the angry phases I have gone through this year, that sounds rather ominous. But, I would tell him how amazing Ian is. I would tell him how much I love him and Ian I would tell him how much he is missed by so many amazing people. I would tell him about the people that have completely let me down. And, yes, I would tell him that I am angry he left me to deal with all of this crap. I didn't get to have that last conversation with him to tell him all those things. I told him what I could get out but he was too sedated to know I was even there at that point. Oh, what I would give to have been able to have that one last conversation.

How does this question relate to my mom? Again, same reaction. I would ask her for so many recipes! I would find out more about my family. I would ask her what she thinks I should do about so many things. The sad part is I had a chance to talk to her and still never asked her some of the questions that have bothered me since. And, I would tell her more than I got to tell her! I did get the time to tell her how much I love her and how much I appreciated all that she did for me. But, I should have and would have told her a million times more if I had know the time was that short.

I have learned that life is too short to spend it being upset with people. I kick myself now for all the times I was angry at Mark or Mom. What a waste of energy and valuable time! I should have spent that time telling them both how important they are to me. Regret is not a fun place to be. So, I have to tell myself that they both knew. I know they knew. But, I would sure like the chance to tell them again.

Rambling Weirdness... Sorry

My head is in a weird place tonight. Consider yourself warned! Sleep deprived ramblings follow:

For the last several hours, I have been kicking around this thought: Did I win? So, you ask: "What race were you in?" Answer: The 'til death do us part' race. Since, I am the one left standing, does that mean I won? Because, it sure feels like I lost. But, so did Mark. How can we both have lost? Does that mean God won? No one told me God was in the race. Wait, that is not exactly true. I didn't realize God was one of the racers, I thought God was the support system. Was I wrong? Does it matter? Would I have backed out of it before I got to that 'til death do us part' part? Nope. But, maybe it would have been nice to know that the death part would happen so soon!

Think about that for a minute.... If you know you are going to die, what do you do differently? Because, really we are all dying as I write this. Yet, we all continue to do things that are ultimately destructive to ourselves. We eat food that we know is bad for us, we drink, we play dangerous sports, we drive too fast, etc. Does that mean we are all on a path of self-destruction? Is there enough will power in this world to stop yourself from that path? Do we even realize we are on that path? I think knowing that you are going to die would lead you to some desperate decisions. Can we live our lives thinking like that? In an effort to be more in tune with what I want from life, I am trying to go with the flow a little more. I guess that means I am trying harder to enjoy the small pleasures in life a little more. I can tell you that this past year has absolutely taught me to stop and smell the roses. I managed to do that this Christmas by making things a lot less hectic. But, I still suffered the 'post holiday' let down in a huge way. I tried so hard to avoid it, but it just came up and smacked me upside the head anyway! I hate that! Will I ever reach a point where that doesn't happen? I sure hope so, because it sucks pretty bad to be living it right now.

Happy Birthday Sam!

Our plans got kind of messed up today, but I think we ended up having a good day. We started at Panera for coffee and pastries. We had fun stealing Ian's chocolate chip bagel. (They closed school today thanks to a minimal amount of snow!) Then, we went shopping for a few groceries and craft supplies. We picked her kiddos up from school, stopped for a late lunch and finally headed home for the evening. After dinner, I took a cheesecake over to her house so that we could all sing badly to her to complete her day!

Hopefully, we can do the lunch we planned with Liz and Katie on Thursday.

Sam, I enjoyed spending the day with you. I hope you had a great birthday! Love ya Sister!

Fundraiser Information

As most of you know, Deputy Hopper was killed in the line of duty on New Year's Day. While her loss has been felt by an entire community, what is most important is the fact that she leaves behind 2 beautiful children. In an effort to help her family care for her children, a fundraiser has been planned by friends and co-workers.

The fundraiser for Deputy Hopper's children will be held this Saturday, January 8th. The event will be held at Legend's Bar and Grille on Dayton-Springfield Road, Enon, Ohio from 5:00 PM until close. Please join us for great food, a raffle for the benefit of her children and a time to remember an amazing Mother and Police Officer.

Please contact me if you have any questions.

FYI: There is also a fund set up to help Officer Blum. Officer Blum was injured in the shoot out that ensued after Dep. Hopper was killed. If you wish to contribute to that fund, please contact me and I will get you the information.