Dear Mark,
Well, I made it through a year. Hooray for me! And I mean that will all the sarcasm I can possibly muster. Every bit of literature that I read about grief, etc says making it through the first year is the hardest part. It seems completely stupid to me to celebrate living my life without you for one year. For me it’s not a celebration, but a confirmation that I was able to get through that year. Yes, the first year was horrid. But, I think the next year will be worse. At this point, I have gone through all the ‘firsts’, but I was in a serious state of numb for a good part of this past year. So, now that the numb is no longer in place, how will the next year play out? I already feel like I lost an entire year. When I look back or talk about what I was doing last year, it’s really the year before that I am remembering most of the time.
I can say that I have learned a great deal about myself in the past year. I have learned that I am stronger in some ways than I ever thought I could be. I have also learned that I am not as strong as I think I am or as others think I am. I guess I put up a really good front for most people. But unless they have walked in my shoes, they have no idea how much every day life is a struggle. I have lived through paralyzing anxiety this year. I have been unable to make simple decisions. I have been unable to even draw up the strength to leave my house. I have done everything I can possibly do to distract myself. I have been unable to complete simple tasks. Yet, I have managed to do what seemed like the impossible sometimes. And, at each step I lament the fact that I can’t talk to you, bounce ideas off of you, or hear your opinion about something. I try to make decisions that I think you would agree with, but that causes problems too. I am left doubting all my decisions because I will never be able to know for sure what you think. Then I am angry with myself for not being able to stand on my own two feet and just decide what to do. I was able to do that before, why can’t I do it now?
Yet, sometimes I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. The incredible human being that I am raising keeps me going each day. Ian is a caring, loving person. He is extremely smart. He amazes me every single day and he makes me crazy every single day! He is so busy that sometimes it’s all I can do to keep up. He has learned to ride his bicycle without training wheels. He loves gymnastics. He played soccer and wants to try every sport that he can think of at any given moment. He has grown 4 inches since February. He makes me laugh every day. It’s not easy, but I am trying to raise him to have empathy for others, to think for himself, to do the right thing and to care about what happens in this world. God knows, I am not always the best example of those attributes, but I am doing the best I can with the help of an amazing array of family and friends.
I lost so much this past year, I don’t think I will ever be a complete person again. That is very hard to accept. It’s amazing how much of our lives are dependent on others. I lost two of my most important support people in under 6 months. Then, I had one person I thought I could count on, completely walk out on me. Some of our friends have shocked me with their desire to help while others have completely disappeared from my life which is just as shocking. I guess you never really know someone until you have a major crisis. I have learned valuable life lessons from these situations. Being forever changed due to things beyond your control, is not only a humbling experience, but it really breeds anger at an alarming rate. I didn’t choose to be in this situation. Why am I having to learn these things in this way? I am left not only mourning the loss of you but the loss of my life. The phrase ‘a new normal’ is batted around the grief literature. The experts insist that you have to find a new normal. I don’t think you can find that. I think it finds you as you settle into a routine that allows you to function through life’s basic necessities. Because, honestly I don’t want to find a ‘new normal’. I was quite happy with the normal I had! Anger is very draining physically and emotionally. Will I ever get past that anger? Is there a point at which you simply accept these things? Again, I am left with questions and no answers.
Well, if nothing else, a year later I am finally able to find my ‘voice’. I have suffered through the worst writer’s block this past year. I had so much that I wanted to say, so many feelings that needed to come out, but I have been completely unable to do that. (I know you find it hard to believe that I have been without words! And, I bet you are sorry that you have missed it!) I have always been able to write about what I feel. And until I started writing this letter, I had been unable to do that this year. Thank you for finally helping me break through that block.
I feel you around me today. I just heard your favorite song on the radio. We had a huge thunderstorm this afternoon. You would have loved watching it. I know in my heart that I will see you again someday. Until then, know that I will always love you.
Always and forever,
H
