As I sit and stare into the abyss....I realize that I have reached an interesting crossroad. I have spent the last 5 months wishing that I could just live the last year over. And, now I am looking at the year ahead and I don't know how to get through it.
I am not a huge fan of country music, but there is a Tim McGr@w song called "Live Like Y@u Were Dying" that I really like. I believe the song is dedicated to his father who died shortly before the song was recorded. He talks about finding out this person was going to die and what did he do with the time that he had left. He went sky diving, bull riding, loved like there was no tomorrow, etc. This applies to both tracks of my thinking right now.
You cannot even imagine how much I have thought about living the last year over. I would give just about anything to have that time back. I look back on it and realize that while we had great times together, we could have done more. We could have spent more time doing things we loved and not worrying about mundane everyday crap. Did it really matter if the floor was swept? Was it important to get frustrated over the clutter of toys in the family room? No, the things that matter the most are the times we went to the park to fly model airplanes, the weekend at the indoor water park, meeting for lunch, trips to Alex's wrestling meets and football games, etc. Those are the memories you cling to, not the irritation you felt over picking up toys. If I had it to do over again, I would insist that we take the vacation we put off. I would spend all my time at the park or the zoo. I would do so many things differently.
I sit here tonight thinking that I will do anything I possibly can to stretch out the next year. What will we do to make the memories last for a lifetime? Mom is so weak, it is hard to fathom that she will be able to do anything right now. I spend my time praying that she will regain some energy so that we can go to the park, take a trip to her favorite gambling boat, sit in the sun and watch her grandsons play.
Is this my life lesson? Live everyday like it is your last. Love the people important to you with all your heart. Tell them that you love them because you may not have that chance again. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of enjoying my life and those around me. At least I thought I was until last October. Clearly God had other ideas about my abilities. Wish I knew what I am supposed to learn from all this. Right now I feel like someone beat me up and just keeps kicking me each time I even think about getting up. Sorry, I can't type any more right now.