I can't do this. I don't want to do this anymore. I am tired. I am completely overwhelmed. I can't cope with even simple things. Things that I should be noticing are going un-noticed. I am frustrated. I feel like the weight of the world is on me at all times. I feel crushed by it and life.
I remember saying to my Mom, "I can't do this" at Mark's beside in Al Ain. I remember her saying "Yes, you can. You have to." A nice way of saying suck it up, I raised you and I know you can. But, I don't have her here telling me that now.
I am tired of being the only person making decisions around here. Yes, I realize that I made most of them anyway, but now I don't have him to bounce it off of first. And, I don't want to do it anymore.
I am tired of feeling like I am being judged by others. I don't have the strength right now to ignore it and that pisses me off. I have taken the higher road and chosen to bite my tongue. But it draws on the small amount of strength I have left.
I am tired of feeling like I need to justify any decision I make. That is not my normal personality. It irritates me that I don't have a grasp on that part of myself anymore. I feel like I have lost a quite a lot of myself in this. It makes me mad because I sure as hell didn't choose this crap. Who I am today, is not the person I know that I am or was. And, I don't know how to regroup. And I hate it!
5 comments:
H~
First, you can do this. You ARE doing this. It sucks, but you can do this. You are doing it for Ian and eventually, you will do it for yourself. Second, if anyone is judging you, they don't deserve to be a part of your life. And third, no, you will never again be who you were. But, I love you and am I proud of the person you are now and I appreciate the person you will be. Sometimes it's not one day at a time....it's one hour at a time.
Love,
C
Thanks Chrissy. I love you too.
Anybody who judges you negatively is clueless, everybody I know thinks you are doing am amazing job under terrible circumstances. Your Mom, and even your Dad and Eldon, helped me make many decisions over the years. Thank God you have many friends and we would all be happy to help you if you want us to. I know it's not the same, and I hope someday you will have someone to share your life and help with your burdens and your joys, but in the meantime, you know we all love you and will help whenever we can.
You have no clue how well you are doing with all you have been through in the last year! Ian is fed, clothed, and most of all, loved, and you are the one responsible for all of that.
If people are judging you, tell them to kiss your a--! Don't sell yourself short. It is okay to feel like you're falling apart sometimes . . . but you always manage to come back out the other side. You have people who love you enough to help--just ask! We all want to help, even if it is just taking Ian off your hands for an hour so that you can cry, scream, or strangle someone.
Love you!!!!!!!
I have to 'second' all of the advice above, especially the just call and/or text!
I think you are doing amazingly well! You are so strong! You are a Taurus, the bull and you probably don't even know your own strength!
From where I stand, there is nobody judging you. I haven't seen or heard anything judgemental at all!
At times, I have wondered whether or not your actions depicted a person that feels as if they are being watched.
Please, know that I/we might be watching, but there is no ill will! I don't want to step on your toes or be underfoot! I want to be there for you! So, please call/text whenever, even if you just need to vent!
I love you and look forward to hearing from you real soon!
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