Well, I am sure that the title of this post got your attention. I just hope that I can do this story justice...
About an hour away from our home, there is a grocery store called Jungle Jim's. It is a completely amazing place!! I have been going there for several years. You take a cooler and plan to spend at least the afternoon. The place is huge and they have a ton of specialty items to investigate. Each time I go there, I buy some item that I either can't pronounce the name of or have never even heard of. (Remind me to tell you about the pummelo in another post.) It's a mission now to see what cool thing I can come home with each trip. Well, this trip brought a small wedge of ... ass cheese!
I always purchase a few types of cheese when I go to Jungle Jim's. I would bet that they have at least 300 different cheeses to choose from. Until this point, I have chosen well. My string of luck broke on Sunday. No wait, it didn't just break. It blew apart in tiny pieces with little hope of my being able to put it back together again. (Think Humpty Dumpty here!)
I chose this Danish cheese called Chimay. Mark and I agreed that we would try the Grand Cru variety this time. (Well, there won't be a second try! I can tell you that with complete certainty.) We got home, settled in with our friends and a bottle of wine after putting Ian in bed. Mark decided that we needed a snack and should try our new cheese. I was the first to try the Chimay. Our friend, Amy, tried the second bite followed by Mark and Amy's husband, Jason. Amy and I both agreed that while we were chewing, the taste wasn't too bad, but once it hit the back of your tongue it was horrible. Specifically, it tasted like ASS!!!
We decided that we would give it the benefit of the doubt and try it again when we were not drinking any wine. Well, I had that chance this evening.....And, I hope that I am never presented with that opportunity again!
Beth was over and we were making cookies. Mark came in the kitchen and decided to 'crack' open the cheese. (There are so many puns to be made here. it's not even funny!!) From the other side of the counter, I smelled this foul smell. I asked if he had farted then realized that it was the cheese!!!! OMG, I don't think I have ever smelled a food item that smelled worse. I swear someone crapped their pants in the room! This stuff has nothing on limburger cheese. Beth and I both headed for the other side of the room to taunt Mark about the fact that he was eating 'ass cheese'. There really is no other name for that stuff. It smelled that bad!
(FYI: According to the Urban Dictionary the literal definition for 'ass-cheese' is the sweaty, smelly grime that can be found between the butt cheeks of an unwashed crack, more often found at the very beginnings of the cavity just below the rump. Yep, that about covers it. You know me, I just had to google that one!)
Because I am stupid, I gave the cheese the benefit of the doubt as agreed earlier this week. I actually tasted the stuff!! It took a swig of water, a swig of coffee and about 10 crackers to get the foul taste out of my mouth. Meanwhile, Mark is happily munching away! The man must not have any taste buds. I don't know how he even got it past his nose and into his mouth!
Now I am thinking that the wine actually helped the cheese the other day. I think it may have deadened my taste buds and smell just enough that I could actually get the cheese in my mouth. It won't happen again, ever. There's not enough wine in the world for that!
Imagine my surprise/dismay when I found out the Chimay cheese is made by Trappist Monks!!! They use the proceeds of 'ass cheese' sales to support their missions and local community. Well, at least my $7 went to a good cause. Unfortunately for them, they won't be getting any more of my money unless I can figure out how to pay them not to make that stuff ever again.
Here I am just paving my way to hell, one brick at a time....
(Okay, sometimes I am paving my way faster than I care the think about. But, I am usually having fun while I am doing it.)
1 comment:
Damn! I thought the dog had let one and it was really your cheese three blocks away!!!
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